It’s a question we’ve all asked, right? Well, I certainly have. These coaches that run the sport we all love so much are powerless during the 40 minutes of game time. All they can do is send their kids out there as well prepared as possible and hope the execute. I’m sure plenty of coaches wish they could lace up and get out there themselves, but alas. I know it’s only mid February, but I can’t wait for March. We need some sort of tournament now, so let’s do this.
I don’t know what you think of when you think of a “college basketball coach”, but picture just about anything and you could be correct. We have senior citizens like Rick Pitino and Tom Izzo going strong in their 70s. We have middlemen like Dusty May and Nate Oats who have worked their way to elite coaching jobs but still have decades ahead of them if they so choose. And then we have coaches who were born when LeBron James was in middle school.Tevon Saddler is the youngest coach in the game at 29 years old! It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you smell like, or clearly how old you are; if you can coach, you can coach. So let’s have some fun and put together an ensemble of all sorts of men in a do or die single elimination 1 on 1 tournament for ultimate hypothetical bragging rights.
We’re going to have to set some rules to our tournament, so let’s get those out of the way now. The games will be to 11 points, with a traditional 3 pointer counting as 2 points and a traditional 2 pointer counting as 1. The game will be alternating possessions, meaning it’s NOT make it take it. Any foul on a shot attempt will give the shooter the ball at the top of the key (no free throws). We’ll go ahead and implement a 7 dribble limit, meaning after 7 dribbles you must put a shot up (another dribble after 7 is an immediate turnover). If you miss a shot and get an offensive rebound, you have the option to take 7 additional dribbles, or go straight back up. The game doesn’t have to be won by 2, it’s just first to 11.
Now we have to set our bracket. There are 68 total Power 4 teams, including 18 from the ACC, 16 in the SEC, 16 in the Big 12, and 18 in the Big Ten. What are the odds? That is the exact amount of schools that participate in the Big Dance. For seeding, it’ll be somewhat randomized, but we’re going to give a few coaches with either college or pro experience as a player a bump. I’ve cut a couple of coaches that I figure won’t have a realistic chance since it’s near impossible to generate a 68 team bracket online. Consider those coaches losers of the First Four. The 1 seeds are as follows.
Jon Scheyer of Duke is the number one overall seed. Scheyer started on a national championship team in 2010 for Duke. Scheyer is still relatively young at 37 years old, so he’s expected to make a deep run. Hubert Davis of UNC is the number two overall seed. Davis was a great player for UNC back in his day, and while a bit older compared to Scheyer, he still surely has some game left in him. The third overall seed is Bruce Pearl of Auburn. I don’t have a great reason for this other than I see Pearl as a psycho who will take this tournament very seriously, and so he will be seeded well. He also has a good frame that could make him a problem with his back to the basket. The final number one seed is Mark Pope from Kentucky. Pope is also a national championship winner with the school he currently coaches, and with his height he could easily run the table. The 16 seeds are Rick Barnes (Tennessee), Tom Izzo (Michigan St), John Calipari (Arkansas), and Fran McCaffery (Iowa). These are older folks who I don’t think will want any part of this tournament. I can see Izzo conceding a bucket early and walking off the court mumbling profanities about how stupid this tournament is.
Now that the rules are clear and the bracket is set, it’s time to get into the games. We’ll go quadrant by quadrant, giving us a Final Four and then eventually our final matchup and our champion.
Quadrant 1:
Round of 64:
Barnes passes out due to exhaustion after 2 points and forfeits
Mick Cronin and Schrewsberry are tied 9-9 before a stepback Cronin 3 banks in from the corner (somehow)
Wes Miller handles Chris Jans (no one watched this one)
Eric Mussleman struggles with Jamie Dixon’s height but goes 5-6 from three
Chris Collinsworth let’s Keatts score the first point to give himself an underdog mentality and proceeds to run the table
Mike Woodson can’t coach, and it turns out he can’t play anymore either. White wins
Bran Underwood gives up the first 3 points but proceeds to lock up and defense back down Forbes 11 straight times for 11 layups
Pikiell avoids the early upset with a comeback win
Round of 32:
Cronin falls to Scheyer, and proceeds to brutally degrade himself and his own performance in the post game interview
Mussleman lives up to his name and comes out on top in a dog fight
Collins let’s Keatts score the first SEVEN points to give himself an underdog mentality and again proceeds to run the table
Underwood spends too much time yelling at the ref (a 12 year old getting paid $20) and falls
Sweet 16:
Scheyer’s youth and skill is too much for Musselman
Collins stops playing with his food and wins a gutty one
Elite 8:
Two Duke legends face off, but Scheyer is too much, shooting a perfect 7-7 (4-4 from three) winning 11-3
Jon Scheyer to the Final Four.
Quadrant 2:
Pope gets revenge for the game played between their two school earlier
Buzz, well underseeded, finds a way
Painter is too much in the paint, showcasing beautiful footwork
Texas Tech is quite good this year, and as well all know Georgia Tech plays best against elite teams for some reason. Stoudamire advances
Otz is pissed about not being a 1 seed, statement win
Scott Drew hits a contested 24 footer to win
Dawkins, a Duke product, is too skilled
Upset of the tourney so far? Maybe. I’m not sure why Diebler was a two seed, but Brownell is built for March
Round of 32:
Pope is too tall, Buzz can’t stop the hook shot
Painter blows a 9-1 lead (he likes to lose to teams far worse than him)
Guys, Otz is PISSED
Brownell simply can’t stay in front of Dawkins, who wins
Sweet 16:
Pope’s height continues to bee too tough to defend
Otz, despite his rage, gets challenged, but he’s too physically imposing and won’t be denied. Seriously, look up TJ Otzleberger if you don’t know who he is. Look at his arms. Just look at them.
Elite 8:
Otz wins 11-9. He isn’t phased by Pope’s height, as he is unmovable down low. Otz also has found a way to channel his rage into a smooth jumper. Bad sign for everyone else.
TJ Otzlegberger to the Final Four.
Quadrant 3:
Round of 64:
McCaffrey scores one point early, thinks it was an and one, and stares at the 12 year old ref from 10 feet away a-la Michigan St. He is disqualified as the 12 year old ref begins to cry
Byington got to train his skills at JMU, the greatest school on Earth. Easy win
Golden is golden, onward.
Paris wins a snooze fest
Come on, you didn’t doubt Kelvin Sampson to find a way to win a tourney game, did you?
Hurley’s can hoop, check the history books
Capel, like many other coaches, has leaned on his backdown ability to continually get lay ups
Rhoades wins after dominating the offensive glass
Round of 32:
We can’t have all 1 seeds make the Sweet 16, it just never happens. Fortune favors the youth in this one
Wow, another 11-10 game. Paris squeaks by
Hurley is too quick for Sampson, and his jumper is still sweet
Capel wins a matchup of big bodies, in the final R32 game in a tightly contested quadrant
Sweet 16:
Paris is too much, he has the magic of March on his side
Hurley knows a thing or TWO (wink) about winning in March
Elite 8:
The shoe still fits. Lamont Paris, welcome to the Final Four
Lamont Paris to the Final Four.
Quadrant 4:
Round of 64:
Izzo does just what I expected, and storms off the floor early
Moser wins, I think? No one was there, not even the ref
Devries can shoot, Young can do nothing
Oats wins a matchup that took a full 25 minutes to complete, as no one could hit a shot for the longest time
Beard wins a slugfest with a game winning left handed lay #nice
Self relies too much on the midrange jumper and misses his final 6 shots
Johnson is too much for Gard
Tang and his swagger cause Grant to play scared
Round of 32:
Pearl wins narrowly after complaining excessively about a no call late, giving him the ball again where he hits a dagger three from straight away
Devries takes it to a gassed Oats
May hits 11 layups, blowing by Beard over and over and over
Tang’s aura is unstoppable it appears
Sweet 16:
Devries doesn’t bend when Pearl begs for more calls, he takes this one
Can anyone stop Tang?
Elite 8:
Yes, Devries can stop Tang. He wins a thriller 11-10
Darian Devries to the Final Four.
We now have our Final Four matchups. It’ll be Jon Scheyer vs Mark Pope in a 1 seed vs 1 seed clash, and we have Lamont Paris vs Darian Devries on the Cinderella side of the bracket. Pope and Scheyer play first, with the two defending each other very well. Pope’s length makes it tough for Scheyer to get a shot off, while Scheyer refuses to let Pope back him down to the paint where he can use his size. With the game tied 10-10, it’s Scheyer’s ball. He takes two dribbles to back Pope down right to the free throw line. Scheyer takes one more dribble with the left hand, making a slight turn over the right shoulder. Having forced Pope to lean right, he picks the ball up and spins over the left shoulder for a 16 footer. Nothing but net. Ball game.
Devries and Paris play a tough game similar to the first, with points hard to come by. Paris trails 5-2 before hitting back to back threes to take the lead. Both players, gassed by now after 4 games already, resort to forcing jumpshots. In the end, this favors Devries more, as he escapes 11-8 after a game winning banked three from straight away. Scheyer and Devries check up for the championship game with all the other coaches on the sideline watching, hoping for a competitive game, but Scheyer is too much. He wins the championship comfortably 11-5, cementing himself as the top coach in the sport. Am I a homer for picking the coach of my favorite team to win this? Maybe. But it’s more than fair to say that a 4 year player and starter on a national championship team for one of the premiere programs in the sport who is only 37 years old could run the table. Run your own tournament if you want a different winner. Today belongs to the Devils.
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